Unexpected Grief
Recently I had my fourth baby. Most people have stopped at two or three, but no, my husband and I knew that we wanted to have four kids. Yes we are crazy and we fully accept that! This was our plan since before we got married, and God has blessed us greatly.
This means that yes, I am done having children.
My body will never carry another life. I will not nurse a sweet baby in the wee hours of the morning. I will actually get full nights of sleep (HOORAY)! Wait...I will actually get full nights of sleep (cue sobbing).
I was definitely not one of the amazing women who love every minute of their pregnancies. I have the things that I cherished and loved, but I most assuredly have the things that I will not miss at all. I think anyone who has ever gone through bringing a child into this world can relate to that.
Here is what has slapped me in the face in the last nine months since having Little Holder #4...the grief that this stage of my life is over. I never expected to have my heart hurt so much to be done having babies.
It really hit me when I decided to stop pumping milk for my little. She had some issues with feeding which led to her getting bottles to help with weight gain. From the time she was two months old, she has been getting bottles with breastmilk. Then my body stopped responding as well to the pump and she slowly started getting bottles mixed with formula, until my body was not producing enough and we had to make the full switch.
I thought I would be elated! Part of me is, but a bigger part is sad.
I am experiencing my last firsts with a baby. And of course because she has three older siblings to keep up with, she is not going through those firsts in the slow fashion that I would prefer.
I grieved. I called my sister-in-love and cried with her. I asked her if this was how she felt. She told me that indeed with each last first you get a new wave of bitter sweet joy and grief. She helped my heart a lot more than she knows.
At the same time my youngest is starting to eat new foods, crawling, pulling up, and generally doing things that mommy and daddy are not ready for, my oldest is losing his first teeth, reading books, and maturing into an incredible young man of God.
The bitter sweet of this is that there are so many firsts coming our way, and now I see that the firsts also come to an end. And that is ok.
The Bible tells us in Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8, that there is a time for everything.
Each of us has a time to be born and a time to die. (And yes these are the lyrics for "Turn, Turn, Turn" by The Byrds.) This song comes to mind because this season of my life is closing. Carrying a new child is not in my future. I am totally at peace with this, even in my grief.
We plan to grow our family through adoption, but that is a little bit down the road. I know in my heart I am done. The grief is part of moving on and it is ok to grieve.
I say this to mommas who are getting ready to have their first babies and those who have been mommas and are maybe grandmothers. Grieve well and let God hold you and tell you it is ok.
This has been a hard time for me, and most don't see that. I don't share that part of me often. And those who joke with me about having more babies don't realize how much that hurts me right now. I don't let them see that, and maybe I should.
I say all of this to tell you that I have not finished the grieving process. The fact that I am grieving tells me that I truly am done. Please know that you are not alone and that many others have gone before. They may not talk about it because it is very personal.
God will hold you through it, if you let Him. Love your babies and celebrate the firsts, and the lasts.
This means that yes, I am done having children.
My body will never carry another life. I will not nurse a sweet baby in the wee hours of the morning. I will actually get full nights of sleep (HOORAY)! Wait...I will actually get full nights of sleep (cue sobbing).
Now those who have been through this phase of life know what I am talking about,
but those who haven't...this is for you.
I was definitely not one of the amazing women who love every minute of their pregnancies. I have the things that I cherished and loved, but I most assuredly have the things that I will not miss at all. I think anyone who has ever gone through bringing a child into this world can relate to that.
Here is what has slapped me in the face in the last nine months since having Little Holder #4...the grief that this stage of my life is over. I never expected to have my heart hurt so much to be done having babies.
It really hit me when I decided to stop pumping milk for my little. She had some issues with feeding which led to her getting bottles to help with weight gain. From the time she was two months old, she has been getting bottles with breastmilk. Then my body stopped responding as well to the pump and she slowly started getting bottles mixed with formula, until my body was not producing enough and we had to make the full switch.
That was a hard day. I cried...and when I say cried, I mean sobbed.
My heart was breaking and no one had prepared me for that!
No one told me how much it hurts to move on from this phase.
I thought I would be elated! Part of me is, but a bigger part is sad.
I am experiencing my last firsts with a baby. And of course because she has three older siblings to keep up with, she is not going through those firsts in the slow fashion that I would prefer.
I grieved. I called my sister-in-love and cried with her. I asked her if this was how she felt. She told me that indeed with each last first you get a new wave of bitter sweet joy and grief. She helped my heart a lot more than she knows.
At the same time my youngest is starting to eat new foods, crawling, pulling up, and generally doing things that mommy and daddy are not ready for, my oldest is losing his first teeth, reading books, and maturing into an incredible young man of God.
The bitter sweet of this is that there are so many firsts coming our way, and now I see that the firsts also come to an end. And that is ok.
The Bible tells us in Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8, that there is a time for everything.
For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.
We plan to grow our family through adoption, but that is a little bit down the road. I know in my heart I am done. The grief is part of moving on and it is ok to grieve.
I say this to mommas who are getting ready to have their first babies and those who have been mommas and are maybe grandmothers. Grieve well and let God hold you and tell you it is ok.
This has been a hard time for me, and most don't see that. I don't share that part of me often. And those who joke with me about having more babies don't realize how much that hurts me right now. I don't let them see that, and maybe I should.
I say all of this to tell you that I have not finished the grieving process. The fact that I am grieving tells me that I truly am done. Please know that you are not alone and that many others have gone before. They may not talk about it because it is very personal.
Grief is normal, even if unexpected.
God will hold you through it, if you let Him. Love your babies and celebrate the firsts, and the lasts.
In the love of Christ,
PJ
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| My Youngest Daughter Two Days Old Photo Credit Michele G. Davenport |
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